


Before, Now and After

by Sailingfreely



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Memory Loss, The journey of Jaehyun fighting for what he had lost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-08 05:53:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15236808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailingfreely/pseuds/Sailingfreely
Summary: Retrograde amnesia they said, and it felt like it's just a word to Jaehyun. Because it felt he still remember things, his family, friends and all. But he thought, he could live with that.That is until Taeyong came into his hospital room and stirs more than memories inside Jaehyun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was actually my JackBum fic but I convert it into Jaeyong! Hehehe. Its finished already, I'll update every few days, depending how do you like this story, after all I live on your feedbacks!
> 
> I hope you like it ♥♥♥

When Jaehyun opens his eyes, he feels his head so thick, so numb but also dizzy like he's floating in the clouds with something stuffed tightly into his skull. At first he couldn't see anything, his sight is blurry, the lights stung his eyes, colors and shadows mixed until some moments passed and he's able to differentiate shapes and figures.

Next comes the noises, incoherent sounds and muffled yet also pounding in his head, like hearing underwater until slowly it's filtered and he could make out cries and sniffles and happy, soft laughs. He could feel the tension, he could feel the slightly hard mattress under him, the smell of medicines and antiseptic, the hands touching his skin and gradually the lines and cables all over him.

Then he realized like a simple thought and not at all bothering, that he's in a hospital. He turns his head around, taking in the faces hovering his bed, seeing the tears and smiles painted on those face and he only recognized his parents and a woman he's not familiar with. The three people in the room looks so happy, so thankful and he gathers there is something else in the eyes of his parents, but he didn't care. Even with all the joy filling the room, he found himself doesn't care at all and his feelings as dry as his throat.

 

\--

 

The next day the doctor diagnosed him with a retrograde amnesia due to the heavy concussion he suffered in the car accident. But the memory lost felt like a strange mood, Jaehyun could remember his home address, he could remember his age and his job, yet at the same time a big part of his life feels missing.

Even when his parents trying to soothe him, to calm him, all he felt was weird, like it's unfamiliar and thick with awkwardness and wrongness. Jaehyun found he could relax and the itch under his skin eases when his little brother, Jaemin, is near him. And he clung to him, making sure he's always with him whenever their parents and the unfamiliar woman in the room.

Strangely Jaehyun wasn't surprised when his parents said that the woman is his fiance, he knows there was someone, even though he can't remember who, he can feel it amidst the thick fogs residing in his head. Yet why does this woman feels so unfamiliar too him? Jaehyun couldn't find an ounce of comfort in the presence of the woman, but he blamed it to his amnesia. She's pretty, nice and have a beautiful smile, but Jaehyun still can feel the utter wrongness tingling his skin whenever she's near. And when he said it to Jaemin, his brother only smile thinly with a sad glint in his eyes.

He didn't say anything else.

 

\--

 

It was about a week later when Jaehyun starting to become agitated. The doctors still need to monitor him hence why he's still stuck in the hospital, at least he's thankful enough he's allowed to have a walk out of the room. He feels suffocated in the room, after being awake from a coma there's a constant nagging in his mind, something he didn't understand yet seems so desperately trying to tell him something. But he don't understand, he don't understand either why he feels less burdened and calmer when his parents and his fiance isn't there.

He's confused, he's curious and Jaemin won't tell him anything other than a strange smile. It's understandable that he's agitated and edgy. And when he's feeling especially explosive, he told Jaemin he needed to take a walk, but his brother was quick to deny him.

"Wait, not now. Wait, just wait," he said and walking to the door seemingly uneasy. "There's someone who want to see you."

Jaehyun didn't even have the time to jerk his eyebrow when Jaemin already stepping out of the room, leaving him confused and questioning. Who want to see him? It's weekday and all his friends often only able to visit him in the evening when visiting hours almost finished or at weekends when they have no work.

He was brought out of reverie when Jaemin came back, poking his head from the door as if he wanted to make sure nobody else but Jaehyun is in the room, before he's coming in and another man following behind him. The man was a bit short, skin sun-kissed and his dark brown hair framing his sharp handsome face neatly, smiling at Jaehyun softly with uneasiness in his eyes.

The air about this man is strange, Jaehyun could feel it prickling his skin, his eyes drawn to him and it's not about the man's pretty face, there's something that cause a warm tinge in his chest. Something he didn't understand and confused him yet not in the same way it did with his parents and fiance. This one almost pleasant, like a Deja Vu and warm nostalgia, yet to him this man still just a stranger. Who was he to Jaehyun before he lost memories?

"Took you long enough," the man said still with a soft smile, his eyes swimming with emotions Jaehyun couldn't decipher.

"Huh?" he gaped because he's still caught up with the strangeness that is this man, this surfacing nostalgia that hit him hard yet unable to understand.

"You fell into coma for almost a month, you really loves to torture me," the man giggled and his eyes wanders on Jaehyun's face before he slowly reaching out his hand, fingertips ghosting the skin on Jaehyun's cheekbone. "You've became so thin..." it was a whisper yet thick with emotions, gloom in the man's eyes not matching his soft smile.

And Jaehyun feels his heart clenching at the urge to question, because he didn't feel defensive when the man touched his face, it was intimate and he wants to know just who this man is to him. But why it feels so hard to voice it out? "I'm sorry, I don't... Remember who you are, are you...?"

The corner of the man's lips twitched a little but he smiles all the same, "I'm your friend, Jaehyun. My name is Lee Taeyong, we went to the same university."

"Oh," unknown to Jaehyun why, the answer left a tinge of disappointment and he could almost hear his mind asking, ' _just friends?_ ' "same university?"

"Yeah, about eight years ago when we first met," Taeyong smiled, a bit like a kid but it sweet Jaehyun thinks.

"I remember university, but... I don't remember you..."

In a split second the smile on Taeyong's fell and his eyes overcasted, making Jaehyun hastily straightening up on his bed and shaking his head frantically, "no, no, no I mean, I forgot some people too not just you and, and some other memories not just you so... I even forgot about my fiance!"

Silence downing on them for a moment before a burst of laughter came from Taeyong, "I get it okay, you don't need to explain it. You're so silly."

A blush creeping on Jaehyun's cheeks, "why am I silly? I just don't want you to feel bad."

"Still the same soft hearted, huh?" Taeyong smiled and something in his eyes makes Jaehyun's heart skips a beat. And before he's able to calm his heart, Taeyong already brushing his hair with his soft fingers, "you look better, I'm glad."

"Um..." he gaped before he's able to form words, "yeah, I'm fine already. Just my head and my back still need monitoring, it took the most damage from the car crash, but thankfully it was not that bad and my nerves are good."

"I see, that's good... That's good," there is sorrow in his eyes and Jaehyun wonders what is it that's occupying his mind, why he looks so sad, why he looks so pained as if he's also hurting like Jaehyun did. But then suddenly his eyes went slightly wide and retracting his hand from Jaehyun's face like he's been burnt, "oh sorry, bad habit. I tend to touch people like that, sorry if I offend you. Not to mention I'm a stranger to you now."

It stings, Jaehyun could feel his words stings for them both, but Taeyong still laughed all the same. He wanted to say he's not offended at all, actually his touches feels comfortable and Jaehyun feel a gentle wave rippling in his heart, so unlike the presences of his parents and his fiance. Confusion raising again in his mind, how could this man bring more comfort than his family did in the exception of Jaemin? Then he noticed the way his little brother standing at the door as if making sure no one is going to come in. Why?

"I need to go now," Taeyong said cutting Jaehyun's train of thoughts in a snap, his fingers fidgeting like he's forcing himself not to touch Jaehyun again. "I just wanted to see if you're okay and I'm glad that I did."

"But you're going to visit me again, right?" he quickly asked before Taeyong get the chance to walk away.

There was uneasiness and confusion growing on Taeyong's face, but he guessed the eagerness in his voice and face causing Taeyong unable to say no. He nodded with a tight smile, "I will when I can." Then he turned away, facing Jaemin for a moment before saying a soft 'thank you' and kissed the boy's cheek, the both of them walking out together leaving Jaehyun in more confusion.

But he realized, his explosive mood was gone like it's never there and despite the confusion and curiosity, he find his heart in peace for the first time since he's woken up.

 

\--

 

Five days later Taeyong still hasn't visit him again, from what was a little anticipation become a thick hopefulness for Jaehyun. Every time the door opens he found himself hoping it would be Taeyong who was coming, but it was never him. Everyone can see the disappointment in Jaehyun's eyes, it was so apparent yet no one dares to say anything about it, only Jaemin who sometimes smiled somewhat apologetically.

"Oh, its snowing" the tender voice of his fiancee said, eyes slightly big and bright with excitement.

Jaehyun turned to look at the window, feeling a bit bothered before the sight of snow falling outside his hospital room enchanted him. He remembers something, wide eyes full of glee, loud and sweet laughter, cold hands and trembling bodies however his heart feels warm from the shared exciting moments with that certain someone. He couldn't put a face to that someone, strangely the physical memories are so attached to his brain, he could feel it so clearly rather than hearing or seeing it. He could feel the laughter, the smile and the bright eyes, but nothing visual could come up in his mind.

"Do you remember, when we went for a walk in the winter?" he asked eyes still trained on the snowflakes falling outside.

"Which one?" she smiled.

"The one where you slipped and you fell into a pond? Unfortunately it wasn't frozen enough but thankfully the water only reached to your thighs," Jaehyun softly laughed to the memories. "You remember what you did after that?"

It took a moment of silence and Jaehyun finally turned his head to face her, she was smiling brightly yet he found it unreadable as if theres a mask on her face. "No honey, I don't remember, I'm sorry."

Jaehyun isn't disappointed, somewhere in his heart he realized, he had expected it. Because the smile in his memories feels much brighter than hers, much sweeter and warmer than hers. The laughter and wild giggles doesn't seem to fit her, and this brought questions in his mind. Who was it the one in his memories? Was he cheating on his fiancee?

Then he looked again to her, taking in her beautiful face and suddenly guilt raised in his heart. Although he doesn't feel any connection with her or whatsoever, he still feels a bit guilty, yet at the same time a stain of betrayal and anger twirled in his gut. And for so many times, he hoped again and again that Jaemin would tell him anything that he knows. Because it seems,

His heart knows better than himself.

 

 

When the sun setted and visiting hours came to end, his fiancee went home and Jaemin was still the one who's accompanying him at night. His little brother is sympathetic when Jaehyun said he wanted to take a walk. Quietly he's following behind, making sure his brother isn't feeling cold and asking anything.

"Will you ever tell me?"

"Not my place to say it, Hyung," Jaemin sighed, lowering his eyes as if he wanted to let it all out but couldn't.

"Who decided that?" Jaehyun halted and turns around, squaring on Jaemin. But the younger kept quiet and his body still, eyes not meeting Jaehyun's, hard on the ground. Jaehyun shakes his head, frustrated but at least the cold air numbed his mind and so he walked to the benches near the hospital little garden.

When he sit down he noticed, Jaemin isn't following him and is standing a few meters away, phone to his ear and talking in a hush. Jaehyun is curious, but too angry to really care, so he stays seated, throwing his head back to savor the cold air. Memories starting to fill the void of thoughts, some with visual memories and some which he could feel and vaguely remember.

There was a certain memory where he can feel warmth, soft and supple skin to his touch, smiles met in the middle and soft giggles echoing, round eyes staring at him full of affection and gentleness. Sometimes laughter heard between soft whispers, funny, kind and so close to his heart. But he couldn't see the face still. He tries to place his fiancees face to this memories, but the gap was too big, it didnt fit, like a puzzle too small to complete a big picture.

Is there really someone else or is it only his brain functioning wrongly, giving misplaced senses and memories? There was no guilt in his blurry memories, he can only feel happiness and comfort with that certain someone, no secret, no hesitation. But is it really true? Or is it only a manifestation of his brain trying to fill in the gaps in his memories?

"You're not cold?"

Jaehyun jolted and stared wide eyed to the deep voice, heart leaping even more after the shock from the person talking to him, the one he's been hoping to see again. Taeyong is standing there, smiling at him with both hands stuffed to the pocket of his jacket, nose and cheeks red from the cold.

His brain freezes for a moment for reasons other than the cold air surrounding them, but the emotions brimming inside at the sight of Taeyong, there in winter with thick jacket and expression far too familiar, stirring his heart more and more. He knew this, he knew this image, this scene. But then he realized he hadn't reply Taeyong yet, so in reflex he stands up to greet, however Taeyong already placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him down.

"Hey, hey sit down. No need to get up, Im about to sit anyway," he chuckled and sit beside Jaehyun, letting out a sigh before facing him again. "So, whats the patient doing walking around outside when its winter? At night even."

"I just want to take a breather, it feels stuffed there," he points to the hospital building with his chin. "Why are you here?"

"Who was the one that wanted me to visit him?" Taeyong asked wittily with wide eyes and laughing softly.

"Visiting hours ended already."

"Well, I'm not visiting your room, so I guess the rule doesn't apply to me. Besides, you're the one who shouldn't be here, naughty, naughty," he teased and his laughter pitched higher than Jaehyun ever heard. "But seriously, aren't you cold? Are you even allowed out this late?"

"The jacket is doing it's work," Jaehyun shrugged, but a grin plastered on his face and seems to refuse to leave.

"You know what works better?" Taeyong smirked, eyes a bit challenging yet also sharp to see any signs of negativity from Jaehyun's reaction. When he see none of it, he continued, "skin."

It was heavily implicated, but rather than a flirt it feels more like an easy joke between close friends and Jaehyun let out a burst of laughter from his mouth, excited and at ease although Taeyong supposed to feel like a stranger to the new him with memory lost. But Taeyong never felt like one, he always feels so familiar and smells like nostalgia and Jaehyun just fell into it blindly without question.

"Thats true! Why are you laughing?" Taeyong laughed louder than him, looking like a child and somehow Jaehyun longs this, even though he have no memory of it. How strange it is.

"What? You're suggesting us hugging or something?" he sneers.

"I'm just stating a fact, what?" Taeyong said with an exaggerated gasp while shaking his head in mock disbelief.

Jaehyun coughed out a laugh, unable to stop the excitement whenever Taeyong did or said something, "fine, whatever, do what you want."

"You sure? I'm a hugger and I will hug you tightly," he bit his lower lips, eyes bright with anticipation.

"Taeyong," he rolls his eyes still with a persistent smile on his lips before suddenly he's enveloped tightly with strong yet lean and warm arms. Jaehyun really couldn't help the bubbling giggles escaping from his mouth at that moment. How odd that it feels comfortable and not violating his personal space, Jaehyun is supposed to feel wary towards Taeyong, but he didn't. Not at all.

"I missed this," Taeyong said over a deep sigh, leaning closer to Jaehyun and he likewise subconsciously leaning towards Taeyong.

"Oh? Did we do this often before?" he couldn't hide the curious, surprised and amused tone in his voice.

"Yeah, we did. When I wanted to cuddle and you cuddled me back. When I was feeling down and without me saying anything or you asking, you hugged me closer to cheer me up. Then… Sometimes you would keep to yourself, needing a time alone and I understood, but there are times when I felt uneasy and not confident because you weren't talking to me, but you always listened, trying to soothe me even when you needed your space.

"Sometimes it was me who pulled you out from your dark thoughts, when you got too deep and getting out became so hard and I would try to rise you up. There's also times when we both found each other talking, sharing thoughts and fears and we found the middle ground. I tend to over think, wearing smiles and laughter to hide my shadows, then you hugged me just to keep me from falling. And I made you laugh with my odd behavior to keep you from overthinking and overestimating yourself," Taeyong says slowly, louder than a whisper however low like a lullaby, arms tight on Jaehyun's body as they share more than their warmth.

It was a lot too process and it feels like hearing a stranger's life yet somehow also familiar at some parts. "That's deep…" Jaehyun could only say.

Taeyong chuckled but didn't say anything else, savoring their embrace instead. It seems embrace is more than just physical touch to both of them from the way Taeyong said it.

"When I wasn't there, who did you cuddle with then?" it was a spontaneous question and Jaehyun had meant it to stay in his head rather than voicing it out.

Taeyong didn't answer right away, "I cuddle with everyone else. I'm fine."

"Ah," Jaehyun nodded, reminding himself that maybe Taeyong is a touchy and affectionate person, it's not a surprise but the clenching in his heart tells him so.

"Your reaction when I cuddled someone else in front of you was always so funny though," he whispered with a soft laugh, eyes staring into the distance as if lost in his reminisce.

"How's my reaction?"

Probably what Taeyong said wasn't meant to be heard because as Jaehyun questioned it, the arms around him slightly tensed and Taeyong inhales deep and sharp before he's smiling widely, "just that, not important."

"I'm curious though," Jaehyun frowns a bit, feeling something is off.

"Its the past, what matters now is the present."

Jaehyun is confused at the sudden shift of the mood around them, but his curiosity won the fight over boundary, "but the past made the present me, without it would be the same as losing a part of myself. What you told me feels so foreign, like it's me but also not me. I knew I'm a cuddler but not in a sense like you told me, as something special and deep because although I seem like this I'm actually a guarded person, so it feels totally new. There must be something deep between us for me to do that, to let you see and pull me out of my weaknesses and for me to do the same for you. And I want to know what was it."

"We were friends, best friends because we're the same but also the opposite. And sometimes… Sometimes its better to forget," Taeyong said and for the first time Jaehyun saw a serious face on him, such a strange feeling and suddenly fear alighted in his chest.

"What to forget? Why?"

"If I tell you to let it go, will you?"

Jaehyun's eyes went a bit wider, focusing on Taeyong and the emotions brimming between them, the sudden tension burdening them. And although Jaehyun didn't understand at all what Taeyong was saying and what is that taking place right now, he found himself answering, "no, I won't."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know and I want to know. Because right now I'm scared, somehow you feel so faraway and you seem to be leaving and I'm scared. It feels like youre trying to erase yourself from me and I don't want that," Jaehyun breathed deeply, feeling his throat constricting due to the floods of emotions.

"You don't know me, I'm just a stranger to you, why would you feel like that towards me?" he asked and Jaehyun couldn't look away from the sheer intensity in Taeyongs eyes, the emotions almost choking him.

"You were never a stranger to me. You are always familiar to me, like the nostalgic scent of an old album, so close to the touch but all the same a distant feeling. I know you are someone important to me from the first time we met, I just can't placed it where."

Taeyong fell silent, his lips pressed into a thin line and his eyes seemed to reflects lights more than it was usually, but the depths is dark and sorrowful.

"What are you hiding Taeyong?" he asked, voice latched with sadness and surrender.

"My fear and what if, Jae. I've been thinking a lot of what if and I'm afraid to ruin it again," he sniffed although strength was also growing in his eyes and the wavering slowly was put to a stop. "I don't want to ruin it again," he repeated like he was telling himself rather than to Jaehyun.

Jaehyun didn't react when cold hands caressed his cheeks and Taeyong connecting their foreheads, breaths mingles in between bridging the gap. They both closing their eyes to feel the connection, thick in the air but also one step away from slipping.

"Tell me Taeyong," he whispered almost like a plea, almost like a prayer.

"Let time answer it Jae," Taeyong whispered back, tone tight and pained.

Jaehyun mildly registers Taeyong calling him ' _Jae_ ', so close without any formalities, wondering why but what they have right now is much more important and heavier.

"Are you leaving me?" Jaehyun asked, placing a tight hand on Taeyongs shoulder as if it could stop him from going away.

But Taeyong smiled, a bit sadly but also assuring, "I'm never leaving, I'm just waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"If this is really the best way or not," he answered and let it go, trying not to think of how hard all of this was and just looking at the promise of future. Taeyongs eyes straight into similarly dark brown orbs, staring back at the same intensity yet different determination. "Good bye Jaehyun," he kissed Jaehyun's cold cheek and turned around, walking away without glancing back.

And Jaehyun watching every step that took him away, carving the scene deep in his memory. Noticing how Taeyong called him by his name again rather than just ' _Jae_ ', then belatedly came to realized how Jaemin have been sitting not too far yet not too close from where he's sitting, eyes looking anywhere but where Jaehyun is.

Jaemin were always there when Taeyong came to see him, like guarding or making sure of something. What is it? He knows that whatever it is, it's connected to Taeyong and he's going to find out.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does his heart tells him?

"What the fuck were you thinking, Jaehyun?" anger latched in his voice, sharp like an impatient hiss and disbelief over utter stupidity. Doyoung's anger was understandable, "the police said your car was driven too fast and on a slippery road on top of that! What were you thinking? You were always the one who drive carefully and told us to be careful, yet you-"

Jaehyun watched as his friend shook his head, seemingly frustrated but Jaehyun couldn't feel anything, far too dry with his own emotions and the urgency which nagging in the back of his mind drew a blank on his face. He recognized Doyoung, his friend from highschool and now also a colleague at their work place. But there's gaps in his mind, something missing, something hollow and he couldn't quite put a finger to it.

"What made you did that? Why, why were you in such a hurry?" Doyoung asked and this time his face looked so tired and guilty, as if he's the cause of Jaehyun's accident.

"I don't know... I don't, remember...? I just remember that I need to be fast, I need to go there to... Where?" he frowned because he can only remember fear in his memories before his car crashed. So much fear and pain.

"Is this because what Johnny said to you?"

Jaehyun frowning deeper and stare at Doyoung in confusion, "who's Johnny?"

He could only watch as Doyoung's face ridden with so much confusion and shock before he sprang up from his seat and call for nurses and doctors before Jaehyun being asked with so many questions and his head being examined again. Retrograde amnesia they said, and it felt like it's just a word to Jaehyun. Because it felt he still remember things, his family, friends and all. Just sometimes it feels hollow and came up blank when he tries to remember some memories, but he thought it's not so much a big deal even when it left him feeling emptier whenever he tries to remember. But he thought, he could live with that.

That is until Taeyong came into his hospital room and stirs more than memories inside Jaehyun.

 

\--

 

"We're going back to my parents house? Why?"

His fiancee give him a smile and a half frown, "that's where you live, why else?"

"But..." Jaehyun could remember the small living room with a small kitchen, a narrow balcony and a bedroom where most of their things are placed. Small but homey and always have the smell of warm tea in the air or on the soft couch where he likes to lay down and often someone would playfully sat on him before they both tumbling around and tangled together on the narrow space. And Jaehyun sure it's not his parents house, it's most definitely a small apartment room. "We're not living together?"

"What? No!" she laughed, "your mom will kill you if we live together before marriage."

Then what's with his memories? Is it real or is it only a dream? The doctor said that his memories might get jumbled up with the dreams he's experiencing while in coma. Is that it? Is his memories just a dream? "I've been living with my parents all this time?"

"Yes, why?" her gaze turn into something calculating and careful, "you remember something?"

"No, I was just thinking shouldn't a man in my age already went independent?" he lied smoothly under a chuckle. Jaehyun is not sure if it's really just a manifestation of a dream or real memories, but he figures he need to be careful if it is a real memory. That means he have a life which nobody knows.

When he look up, his eyes caught Jaemin's wary and knowing eyes before he awkwardly smiles to him. And this confirmed Jaehyun's thoughts, it is a real memories and his little brother knew about it. Flame burning in his heart, but he knows Jaemin wouldn't tell him anything. And suddenly Taeyong's face came to his mind along with his words.

' _I'm waiting._ '

 

\--

 

The bed feels unfamiliar, the sheets too rigid and the smell of his room is too cold like an office rarely visited by anyone. The drawers filled with things he didn't recognize amongst old items which he remembers having in his teens. The clothes which filling the wardrobe are no different, feels new and unfamiliar like it's never his, everything about the room which they said is his room feels like a stranger's room. And he was just get thrown in to fill a life of someone else.

Dinner always feels tense and wary even with his parents trying to converse with everyone in the room and Jaehyun could feel the itch under his skin getting overwhelming at the end of those dinner time. Glad enough there is Jaemin who often smiled to him as encouragement and Jaehyun smiled back to his parents to keep playing this doll house. The only thing Jaehyun could tolerate and feels not at all forced, is only his little brother, Jaemin.

Maybe because Jaehyun know that Jaemin knows something and he never deny it. Maybe because he always giving signals for Jaehyun to catch on even though he never able to say it directly. Maybe because through Jaemin, Jaehyun is able to slowly collecting the puzzle pieces to create a complete picture.

At least at the office he could run from the strange and foreign atmosphere in that house. The office feels familiar, he knew his friends and colleagues, he recognizes his works and he found himself understand what he should do. It came to him naturally, sometimes he stumbles with a gap in his memories but he never loses his rhythm at his job. It feels like he had done this for a every long time.

"You've been working here for about six years, of course your body remembers," Doyoung said handing Jaehyun his burger. "Like this burger, you often have this for lunch when you're swarmed with works and he-"

Jaehyun jerked an eyebrow when Doyoung stop talking abruptly, "he? What?"

"I meant me, I disagree with you eating it because it's not healthy," he continued, eyeing his burger before taking a big bite.

"Dude, you're also eating it."

"Not as often as you."

Jaehyun shrugged didn't find it in himself to care and only side glanced when Doyoung coughing for a bit. He look through the works which need to be done, groaning when there's still a lot.

"I'll need to call later to tell that I'm going to be back late," he huffed and stuffed another mouthful of burger.

"What? Your parents give you a curfew?" Doyoung asked wide eyed in surprise.

"Huh? My parents? No, I need to call..." his word fell because suddenly his mind drew a blank. Who was he going to call? He's frowning deeply trying to remember, but still nothing come up.

A gentle hand tap his back and he turned his head to see Doyoung softly smiling at him, "come on finish your lunch, I'll help you with your work."

Jaehyun came to realized that as he's living his life everyday, his memory lost is bigger than what he had initially thought. When daily things is a routine, he found himself being misplaced because he felt things missing and hollow and he couldn't fill the gap since he don't know what was it. Like in the mornings when he goes to work and the train he took feels new even though it supposed to be the train he took everyday before he got into the accident. Yet everything in the office feels strangely familiar, not really awkward and he knows his way around. Came the time to go home, the feeling of being misplaced came again.

Then one day when he was lost in thoughts and subconsciously letting his body took him wherever it wants, he found himself near an intersection. He was confused because he didn't know where he is and there's an apartment complex which he didn't remember knowing either, yet the air feels tender to his skin and something is stirring in his chest. The warm stir which is so familiar and a face came to his mind, a face he came to know only recently.

Is one of those apartments was where he used to live with that certain someone? Jaehyun thought mindlessly while looking to the distance, the buildings, the memories which just comes and goes and lost when he really need it. He looks around, trying to find anything that could evoke his memory, yet nothing but a thick taste of nostalgia in his chest.

When he walks through a park near the area, he saw a pond, a very familiar pond. And his heart stops because he remembers, this is the pond where that certain someone fell in in his vague memories. When they were walking around in winter, huddled in thick jackets and soft laughters, then cold fingers grabbing each other in glee and trembles because their lower limbs freezing from the cold water.

Instinctively Jaehyun whipping his head around, searching, searching and hoping because that memory means this place is indeed connected to him, to his past. This is the first milestone he made to come closer to his past and he isn't going to let go, no, never.

But he found nothing. The only distinct memory he has is only that of the pond, other than that all of them are vague and blury and he could only feel it through a darkness, almost blank memories. He keep trying, pacing around the park, the intersection and the roads between the apartments, but he come up empty. He couldn't remember when he wants to the most, when he need the most.

He was brought to a harsh jolt when the phone in his pocket rings, heaving a deep breath before digging it out and saw his little brother's name flashing through the screen.

"Yeah, what is it?" he answered, still upset and impatient.

"Where are you? Mom is asking for you, it's been hours since you're out of office usually," Jaemin asked in a hushed whispers.

"I'm at the park, the one with the shallow pond and near the apartment, you know that place?" Jaehyun shot the bullet directly, he got no time for dancing around, not when he's this close.

But Jaemin have a different plan, he didn't answer for a moment, letting the silence be the answer and instead said, "come home quick, it's late." And he hang up the phone, no space to argue and despite Jaehyun feeling very reluctant, he figures Jaemin is right. The last thing he want is to make his parents suspicious of him.

So he drags himself away from that place, walking home with a heavy heart. And he swear, he will come back later to find out more.

 

\--

 

"How many times does this make? You've been home late for more than two weeks, Jaehyun. What were you doing?" was the words which greeted Jaehyun when he come home that night.

He sighed tiredly, "I've been away from job for quite long, there's a lot that I need to do it's inevitable that I have to stay longer at the office."

And that shut his mother up nicely, she juts out her lips for a moment before walking away and leave his son alone. Jaehyun didn't know when did he become such a good liar. He did stay longer in the office but what makes him come home late everyday wasn't that, he makes it a routine to go to that intersection, strolling around the park and sit at one of the benches which facing the pond. Thinking and thinking, trying to remember, trying to understand. But he always came home empty without the slightest memories get dug up.

He tried to ask his brother about it and just as he expected Jaemin won't say anything. The only thing he said to him was always, _'it's not my place to answer it, hyung_.'

And Jaehyun only relented and not choking his brother out of frustration because he remembers Taeyong's face and his words. He swallowed it down because he need to figure it out alone, he need to understand it by himself. He often find it unfair for him to be placed in that position, clueless and lost yet these people seems to demand him to make choices. But then he thinks he understand that there must be a reason to all of this.

' _I've been thinking a lot of what if and I don't want to ruin it again_ '

He can let it go just as Taeyong said and move on with his current life, making new memories. No one is forcing him to search for his past, no one is forcing him to be the past him whose memories are intact and never felt the emptiness he has now. No one did. But he feels the need, the urge to remember, to understand and to go back to those memories where the smell of tea leaves lingers and just full of giggles and laughter.

Then the only thing Jaehyun need to do is to follow his heart even with the gaps in his memories. His heart knows what it wants.

 

\--

 

Jaehyun pull his jacket tighter, trying to make himself warmer when a gush of wind blowing past him. He shivered a little, feeling cold and mildly gets it in his head that he should go since the cold can make him sick, but he found himself lost at the scene of the pond frozen and snows dancing in the air. There must be something important with the park, especially the pond with the way it's affecting him this much and that certain memory which is so distinct, the clearest memory he have connected to that certain person.

"Trying to get yourself sick?"

Jaehyun almost jumped in his seat when the deep voice breaking his reverie, getting even more shocked when he saw the person who disturb his thoughts. Beautiful face smiling and peering down at him, and maybe it's the lightening, maybe it's the mellow mood of winter which makes him look even more stunning and something about the way he looks at Jaehyun is just so soft, makes his heart clenching in a burst of emotions he couldn't really decipher.

"Taeyong..." he muttered the name barely a whisper, his brain just stuck in awe and something else when the other guy sitting beside him, sighing and looking back at him in the eyes.

"What are you doing here?"

He couldn't answer immediately since he got tongue-tied. _Hope_ , Jaehyun didn't dare to hope, but seeing Taeyong here, at that exact place where his past remains, hope blooming rapidly like burning fire. And he wonders, if he let it bloom further and it fails him, how painful the burnt will be.

"Jaehyun, why are you here?" Taeyong repeated, urging yet tone gentle to tell him that he's patient.

"That's supposed to be my line, why are you here?" he eventually able to ask, eyes searching the dark brown orbs.

"Why, can't I be wherever I want?" Taeyong chuckled, teasing but also calculating, Jaehyun could see it in his eyes and the twitch of his lips.

"Right back at you," he's really surprised at himself for being able to banter like that with Taeyong when alarm goes off in his head, heart palpitating in so many emotions, but most of all, _hope_.

Taeyong laughed, eyes crinkling and his lips curling into a smile just bringing Jaehyun further into misery, the need to leap closer, the need to run away become mixed and he didn't know what he really want to do anymore. If he had meet Taeyong again in another place, he's sure his head won't be this chaotic, but Taeyong is really there, in ' _that_ ' place. And suddenly what he had hoped in the tiniest speck of his heart, becomes all too real and he's afraid it's going to backfire if it's not as he hoped it to be. It's less painful when expecting a fall while walking on the ground than falling from a higher place.

"You live around here?" he asked, obviously agitated and Taeyong stop laughing at the expectations in Jaehyun's eyes.

"Who knows?" he shrugged with a smirk.

"Taeyong."

"I saw you loitering around here for the past two weeks," he added, looking to the pond for a while before turning to look at Jaehyun again. "Is that answer enough?"

No, of course it's not, Jaehyun wanted to rage, to get angry and demand more honest answers. But he knows, Taeyong won't give him anything else other than talking in riddles and Jaehyun didn't want to step over the boundaries and have his chances taken away. So he asked instead, "what game are you playing Taeyong?"

"I'm not playing any games, Jaehyun. I'm letting fate and time take course."

"Why? Why not just tell me? Why... Why all this?" Jaehyun is frustrated, but he's keeping his heart at bay. And for once he did good.

"Because I can't choose," was probably the most honest answer Taeyong had said to Jaehyun.

"Choose what?" he whispered, already tasting the growing silence from Taeyong when the guy's eyes fixated to the pond and stays stiff, evidently won't give another answer. "Fine," he relented, turning his head to look at the pond too in an attempt to melt the rising tension.

After a few minutes finally Taeyong start talking again, cuing Jaehyun that all is okay. "You know, around this time, that pond is frozen," he points to the pond yet with a frown and unenthusiastic face, "the ice is thick."

"So what? You wanna try skating there?" Jaehyun asked with a soft laugh, partly joking, another part testing, waiting for the answer.

Taeyong scoffed, "no thanks man. I fell in once and that's enough."

This had Jaehyun pinned harder with the mounting emotions in his whole being, and he can't stop the twitch of his body, eyes wide in eagerness to ask, ask and ask again. He need confirmation now more than any other times, he need to know, he need to let his hope die or rise in that exact moment. And no one gonna stop him.

"You fell in and had the gals to pulled me so in the end we both fell in, in the middle of winter," that wasn't a question, it was a statement and nothing is better than a close range shot. And Jaehyun could feel it how his heart stops when Taeyong turned his head in a snap with shock and many more emotions bare in his wide eyes.

"How do you-"

"It is you," he breathed, blood rushing and he felt like his stomach dropped when Taeyong closed his mouth and evidently gulping down, it was good signs as any and Jaehyun slides closer, daring himself to touch Taeyong's cold cheek, keeping them both there, in that moment. "You laughed. When we were both drenched to our thighs, trembling and almost dying from the cold, you laughed. And we hugged each other tighter as we climbed out of the pond and running to our apartment. Isn't that true? It was you, wasn't it? It's all you, with me."

Taeyong was at lost of words, eyes still wide and his face is blank caught out of guard, but the eyes, Jaehyun could see the glints in his eyes. And when his dark brown orbs lowering, for a split of second he saw Taeyong glancing to his lips, Jaehyun can't stop it. He leans forward because his heart wants it, the surging emotions pushing him for his urge, his hope, his desire to be answered.

A soft gasp left Taeyong's lips before Jaehyun catch it, pressing their lips together, feeling it warm and soft against his and his heart soaring to the sky because it feels right. He can feel it in that moment, in the gaps of his memories that this is the perfect puzzle piece. And he pull away for a bit because he need to heave a deep breath, noticing the words at the back of his throat was, _I missed this. I missed him_.

"I had hoped, I've been wishing that it was you since we met in the garden at the hospital. When you said those words, something just clicked and I can't help but hoped, it is you. But I didn't dare to let it grow because I was afraid I was wrong, and I don't want to fall, I don't want to find that the one in my memories wasn't you. I've been drawn to you since the first time," he whispered, throat tight but also find his heart at peace even though it's beating harder than it ever have.

"Jaehyun..." Taeyong closed his eyes, too overwhelmed yet he didn't push Jaehyun, he didn't pull away and let their breaths touching each other lips.

"Please Taeyong... Please tell me," he pleads, searching the emotions on Taeyong's face.

"Jaehyun, I... You don't understand."

"Then make me understand."

Taeyong opens his eyes, glinting sadly and beautifully from the denied tears, "you forget about me, of all the people you know, you forget about me. That must meant something, and I was afraid, I was confused and I don't want you hurting."

"What are you afraid of? Why am I hurting?"

"I can't-" he swallowed as he's choked on his words. "If I tell you then I'm selfish, then I'm taking you away from the chance to make the right choice."

"I found you Taeyong, even when I forget about you, even now when I still don't remember you, I have wanted you even before I knew it was you. Is that not choice enough?" Jaehyun was desperate, he don't understand and Taeyong is not helping him at all.

"You didn't found me, I was the one who came to you, visited you because I can't be away from you. If I hadn't-"

"Why?" Jaehyun gritting his teeth, holding in his harsh breath from the rising anger, "why must you make it so hard?"

Taeyong inhaled sharply, biting his lower lip before he said, "what if it was me who caused your car accident?"

It feels like the world stops under Jaehyun's feet, "what? I was driving alone, there's no way it was because of you."

"You were driving recklessly after Johnny called you, wasn't it?" he sniffed, tears brimming in the corner of his eyes.

Jaehyun didn't remember. He didn't even remember who Johnny is. And Taeyong caught on the look on his face.

"See? You don't remember, how can you be so sure it wasn't because of me? And- and after that, you forgot about me. Maybe, maybe this is meant to be, maybe this means something."

"What is meant to be?" he almost growl because he could feel the way Taeyong trying to put a barrier between them.

"Jaehyun please, give me time... Give yourself time to think," Taeyong is tired emotionally, he can't handle this any longer.

"Think about what? I don't know shit and no one is telling me anything!" he shouted in frustration. Taeyong didn't even flinch, he's strong on his ground even though his eyes swimming with sadness and he just wanted all of this to end.

"Did I do something to you? Did I... Did I hurt you and now you're making me pay now?" Jaehyun bury his face in his hands, completely broken and feels betrayed.

"No, no you never hurt me. But you were hurting... You were crying every night and I can't stand it."

 _Why, why, why Taeyong_ , it echoes in his mind, ripping him apart slowly. "Why must you torture me so?"

"If I tell you now, I know what choice you will make and I can't live another day with it. But if you find it yourself, if you see it from different perspective, maybe... Maybe you will be able to choose from the bottom of your heart and I can stop myself from worrying about you coming to regret about your choice in the future."

Then he left. Leaving Jaehyun alone yet again with the turmoils in his heart.

 

\--

 

It's unneeded to say that Jaehyun having a bad mood the whole day. In the morning he went to work earlier than usual and waiting in his cubicle for his friend to arrive in agitated state, he can't wait, he's dying to know. Time always seem to stretch excruciatingly long when people is impatient, and in Jaehyun's case as he's also a man of short temper, it becomes agonizingly long. Doyoung didn't even have the time to greet him when Jaehyun already dragging him out to an empty hallway where nobody can hear them.

"I need you to tell me now, don't leave me in the dark and please, please just tell me honestly what the hell is happening?" he asked in a rush, his whole being begging and pleading and he might even consider making a puppy eyes if it could buy his way.

Doyoung blinking wide eyed at him, taking a moment before he understood what was being asked. "What do you want to know?"

"Who's Johnny? What was his last call to me? What happened?"

Doyoung cleared his throat and looking around before answering, "he's Taeyong's best friend. And about that phone call..."

"Don't you dare play riddles with me too," he seethed.

"Ho, easy bull, I was going to answer," he chuckled mockingly, seemingly still in his teasing mode even under Jaehyun's glare. "He was telling you that Taeyong might be leaving."

"Leaving...? Leaving to where? Why?"

"He was distancing himself from you. Taeyong was ridden with guilt and he's scared, that's why he was thinking of being away from you for a while."

"Guilt? Why? Did he do something to me? Why didn't he just talk to me? Wait, did he talk to me but I didn't listen to him?" Jaehyun didn't remember at all, this is all so foreign and the more he took the information, the more he's becoming confused.

Doyoung smack his lips together, eyes rolling up in a calculating way, "you know, before you start chasing after Taeyong, after your past, you should talk to your fiancee first."

"What? What am I going to talk to her? I don't even know a thing and she seems clueless either, why would I talk to her and possibly destroying everything?" a deep frown forming on Jaehyun's face, utterly confused why would Doyoung suddenly brought up his fiancee.

"She's your fiancee, look up in a dictionary what a fiancee mean. And you know who's Taeyong is- _was_ in your life. Don't you think it's unfair if you're chasing after Taeyong and then you forget about your fiancee? You wasn't a man who leave things unsolved, Jaehyun. I know you know what I meant, what does your heart tells you?"

What does his heart tells him? It was clear before, when he was face to face with Taeyong, when he had a brief taste of Taeyong's lips, he was sure. But now, although he knows to whom his heart leaning towards to, he thinks, it's hard to be fair. Especially when his fiancee was always so kind to him, smiling to him without ever questioning anything.

 

What does his heart tells him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is happening~ there's a lot revealed here!! (´∀｀)♡


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wouldn't mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The revelation! ♥♥♥

He wonders if being suffocated underwater is better than what he's feeling right now, sitting at a couple table with his fiancee smiling at him thinking that they're on a nice and happy date.

Well, that is until she said the next words, "finally have something to tell me?"

"Huh?" he was dumbfounded.

"You barely talk to me, seemingly avoiding me and now suddenly you ask me out to have a nice tea at some cafe. I know there got to be something you want to tell me," she said still with a smile and Jaehyun wonders if she really didn't know anything or was just waiting for him. Apparently he make everyone wait for him.

"I..." he cleared his throat, shifting on his seat uneasy while running his hand through his hair. "About our engagement... How did we, were we together before and then decided to take a next step? I mean... Were we dating before we got engaged? Like..."

"You're asking whether we got engaged because we love each other or not. That's what you wanted to ask, right?" she supplies and Jaehyun feels guiltier than ever. "You really don't remember me at all, do you?"

He contemplate whether to simply nod or smile guiltily would be the better choice as an answer. He did both in the end.

She sighed, caressing her tea cup before taking a small sip and start talking with her eyes staring at the invisible spot on the table. "Our parents thought it would be a nice idea to match us together, it's been suggested way before we even got to learn our own name."

"You mean since we were still babies?" he asked, wide eyed.

She briefly nodded, "I got to know you when we were in highschool, you were my senior and I was a freshman. It was done nicely, no blood bath and we became pretty good friends." But the light in her eyes overcasted and her smile falters, "more like you didn't care, you never care about anything. You were just living, just breathing and I thought, why you looked so lonesome? What made you look like you've given up living? We were both young and I was intrigued to make you laugh, to make you ' _feel_ ' and to live."

Jaehyun vaguely remembers why he was like that. When the warm nights full of laughter and shared dinner and watching movies together, had slowly become nights where he was always alone, in his room, in his home and he had missed the human figures which he loved so much and the meaning of a family becoming a blur.

"You were kind though. You're kind to everyone, gentle and caring, as if you have this scar which you don't want anybody else to have and so you always helping others. It's inevitable that I started to like you," she laughed softly, making Jaehyun gulped. "But then you became busy with your new college and I was busy adapting to my highschool still, well teenagers life and all that jazz about puberty.

"We rarely meet again and we just grew apart since it was always me who sought you out and you just being you, you kept to yourself as always. I don't know what happened in your college, but something definitely happened. When we met again..." she inhaled deeply and smiled as if in a silent awe, "you looked so different I almost didn't recognize you. You were full of life, your eyes weren't the same lifeless shadow I've always knew. You were finally living, properly and happy.

"You talked to me animatedly about your dreams, about what you're doing and what you studied. And I was... Envious, seeing you like that made me feel like I was left behind and I'm not at all important to you, that I never was a part in your life." She stopped talking for a minute, sipping her tea leaving Jaehyun growing curious and minds rolling to remember, to try to fit the puzzle pieces. "So I left."

Now that Jaehyun didn't see it coming, "you left?"

"The only reason why I am here now because... I still love you and... Taeyong asked me to."

His heart stops and start beating twice harder when the words set in, "Taeyong? You know Taeyong?"

"He gave me something to return," she supplies while rubbing her hands together then pulling her shirt subconsciously, nervous. "Three months before the car accident happened, you told your parents about him."

"About him? About what?" he cuts in, straightening his back at the sudden overwhelming emotions brimming inside.

She didn't really answer his questions though, "your parents was... Shocked and started to treat you like you're sick, trying to talk to you to get you to a psychiatrist and sort."

Jaehyun feels his heart burning and stomach churning at the thought, because this was his parents. Although they grew busy and rarely have time for him when he was in his teens, he loves them still, he respects them. Gradually, Jaehyun starting to understand where this story is going.

"You grew tired and cut all contact with them, you were disappointed they couldn't understand you, didn't even try to understand you. In those three months we didn't know anything about you, until the phone call came about the car accident. And you forgot about everything," she slowly look up, staring straight to Jaehyun's eyes to make a point, to see if he understand.

"So they took it as a chance to gain me back..." he whispered much to himself. "But what- What about you and Taeyong? What did he-"

"He knew you have trouble sleeping, almost every night you left the bed to cry in the living room or in the bathroom. You were sad about your parents, you were crying because you love them and sad why it all came to that when all you did was loving someone. He told me, Taeyong cried to me when we heard about your amnesia and he said, he was always regrets the way it had became to be. He values his family highly, so seeing you like that... Was too much for him.

"Knowing you forget about him makes him think, maybe it's the right thing to leave, so you never know about him in the first place, so you never lose your family again," she stopped, noticing the way Jaehyun eyes are wide, dark and stirring with anguish and realization. "He never supposed to visit you that day, he had said his good bye to you through me."

"No... No, why?" he knows the answer himself, but it was so, so devastating to know all of this. To know their pain, their tears and broken hearts. He understand all the things Taeyong said to him now, about his worries, his regrets, his 'what if's.

She smiled thinly, "I understand what he's feeling... It's hard to stay away from the one you love, so I didn't blame him. It would be nice if he's such a nut case or an asshole so I can hate him, but Taeyong is just... I couldn't hate him. So when he came again to me, asking me for help... I can't say no."

"What did he asked from you?" he almost unable to let his voice out as his throat constricting tightly and he had a slight trouble breathing, too overwhelmed by the truth. The information is too much for him to bear, he can't remember it, but he could feel it that it is true. That everything she said is true, he could feel it.

"I've done my part, Jaehyun. The only thing left is for you to choose. If he is the one who told you all this, he knew you'll chose him and the past would be repeated, you'll have him but regretful and hurting about your failed reconciliation with your parents. Or you can choose them, you lose him but you will have your family back," her eyes are stern, but also understanding and patient.

And Jaehyun thinks she's right, Taeyong is right. Had it been Taeyong who said all this, he would choose him in a heartbeat, oblivious of what his choice could bring. But with her, she's strong with her words, giving him space to think it through and not just choosing blindly.

"Give me your hand," she suddenly said making Jaehyun jolt in surprise before giving her his hand. She brushed their hands together, something cold and hard in between their soft palms, she's let him took it and Jaehyun felt his stomach dropping from the sight.

"You know Jaehyun, the thing about choices is they are not always just right or wrong, there is always the third choice," she smiled softly, eyes swimming with emotions because she knew better what is going to happen.

"This is..." he feels choked and his eyes burning, it's unpleasant but the burst of surprise and happiness was all he could feel.

"He gave it to me to make a choice after you make yours, whether to throw it away or to return it to you."

Jaehyun didn't even notice the lone tears which rolling down his cheeks, the flood of gratitude and respect as he look at his supposed to be fiancee smiling at him with the same brimming tears in her eyes.

"Go Jaehyun, there's always another choice."

"I... You... I'm so sorry," he managed to voice out, tone thick and he's doing everything he can not to let another tears fall because it would be disrespectful to her. "I'm sorry and thank you, thank you Minah. You're such a kind and wonderful woman and you deserve better, you deserve much better person than me. I-"

"That's the first time you ever call my name again, I don't know if I should be happy or not," she chuckled tearfully. "And yes, I deserve better than you, so no need to say it twice. You already said it all before when you first introduced me to Taeyong."

"I did?"

"Every words, exactly the same," she chuckled again then smiling quite sadly, "I've had my hope, but in the end it's always him, isn't it?"

Jaehyun smiled back, feeling guilty again but also grateful to have known her, and it must have shown on his face because she said, "go now, get out, I don't want to hear another speech about how I deserve better, go away."

He couldn't help but hugs her across the table, to let his heart be felt because no words can describe, "thank you Minah, I'm so glad to have known you."

She hummed, might be or might not be wiping her tears on Jaehyun's shoulder, "I just don't want you to feel what I felt, you both deserve each other."

"And you deserve better," Jaehyun laughed when he received a light slap on his back.

 

\--

 

He waits and waits, bathed in eagerness but also nervousness. The air is so still, no wind blowing and the cold drapped on him like a thin layer of heavy skin as his thoughts rolling and nervousness growing more and more. Minah told him about Taeyong's address, ' _their_ ' address. But Jaehyun thought, he still didn't have the right to suddenly come knocking at his door, because even if he's sure of what he wanted, in the end it's Taeyong's choice too.

And as he keep sitting on that bench, looking at the frozen pond, he knew Taeyong will come. He always watched him when he was loitering around there after all, so he waits. He's brain froze for a moment when a pair of shoes came to his field of sight.

He look up, seeing Taeyong standing in front of him wrapped up in a long black coat, looking at him, assessing. So Jaehyun brought up to his feet, keeping their eyes together as he smiled to the man, like a silent answer almost assuring and Taeyong's eyes glinting for the words to be said.

"I've made my choice," Jaehyun said as he slowly took Taeyong's hand in his, squeezing it gently. "It's your turn to tell me our story."

Taeyong's lips parted slightly, as if taking a deep breath, as if about to say something but he lowers his head and rest it to Jaehyun's shoulder, and likewise Jaehyun catch him in an embrace.

"We've been together for about seven years, a year after we met," he started in a whisper, a caress to Jaehyun's skin. Jaehyun might be a bit surprised knowing the number of how long they've been together, he hadn't thought it have been that long. "And right after you got a job, you asked me to live together... It's been six years of living together."

"That's... Pretty fast. Only a year after we're dating and we were already living together?" he laughed softly when he felt Taeyong chuckling to his neck.

"Oh yeah, you were always impatient, too hasty at making decisions."

"Am I? And here I thought I'm quite a cold headed guy," he frowned with a small confused smile.

"You are... But not when it involves me," Taeyong laughed then left a superficial kiss on the skin of Jaehyun's neck, longing for far too long, "you were head over heels for me."

"I guess I still do. I bet it's the best decision I made to live together with you."

"I guess," he shrugged lightly.

"I know I did, I can feel it. I never regret choosing you, Taeyong," Jaehyun hugs him tighter, stroking his back tenderly as he's leaning his head on Taeyong's. He didn't answer, but the dampness on his shoulder is answer enough, causing Jaehyun to smile and kiss Taeyong's head with much endearment.

"It fell apart when you decided to tell your parents, you were so sad and just... Wrecked. And it's all because of me and I can't... I can't handle it, whenever I asked you to talk to me, you never let me in. So I thought it's better if we get away for a moment, keeping distance so you have space and time to think," he inhaled sharply and pulling away, letting his glassy orbs seen. "But I was hesitating because I don't think I can leave you alone when you were like that. So I talked to Johnny... And when I was too out of it, needing to get away for a while... I didn't have my phone on me. You were panicking then when you called Johnny... It's a misunderstanding, and yet... Look how it brought you here, us..."

"It's not your fault, it was mine alone, I drove recklessly. You're probably right, I lost my head when it's about you," Jaehyun brought his hand to cupped Taeyong's face, caressing the soft skin with his thumb and look at him right in the eyes, "it's not your fault."

"You sure you chose this? You chose me?"

"I didn't just chose ' _this_ '," he chuckled making Taeyong frowns a bit. "Someone told me that choices doesn't have to be right or wrong, so I'm not letting anything or anyone go, I'm taking it all. i want you, I need you, but I'll also fight for my parents, I'll make them understand even if it's going to take me years and hurts me in the process. I'm hurting either way, so why not do it while fighting altogether?"

Slowly Taeyong is smiling with tearful eyes and red cheeks and nose from the cold, he looks so beautiful in Jaehyun's eyes, he always has. "You greedy dork, you're taking all?" he teases although he looks like he's about to cry and crash.

"What can I say, I love you too much, maybe..." Jaehyun laughed as Taeyong hugs him back, tighter and tighter.

"Maybe...?" Taeyong's grinned, kissing the corner of Jaehyun lips because he wanted to but was considerate enough to wait for Jaehyun to finish.

"Well, I... Still don't remember anything, just that I felt it in my heart, so..." he smiled sheepishly, shoving his hand to his pocket slowly as if afraid a slight movement would ruin their embrace, then pulling out then item which Minah gave him in his palm. Taeyong is a bit surprised when he saw it, before smiling that bright smile which Jaehyun could feel through his vague memories. "Tell me about this," Jaehyun smiled mirroring Taeyong's.

Soft giggles left Taeyong's lips before he cocked his head to the side, "you see that pond over there? You remember we both fell into that, right? That was right after you proposed to me."

"What?" he laughed wide eyed, awed at the fond eyes Taeyong is staring at him.

"Yeah, you suddenly asked me to take a stroll with you and I was totally not expecting that, so I kinda had a brain freeze or something so I slipped and fell in. But damn you shit head, you totally laughing at me instead of helping me, so I dragged you in too, you deserve it. And you and your nerd brain need to reenact it at our narrow, messy balcony just because that's the most romantic thing you can came up with."

They both laughed, pressing their foreheads together in glee and basking at the warmth they had missed too much, "it seems there's still a lot you have to tell me."

Taeyong shrugged as if he's tired, "yeah, it would take a lifetime though."

"I wouldn't mind."

"Of course, I'm not letting you go ever again, don't even think about it," he teased jutting out his tongue.

"I wouldn't dare," Jaehyun chuckled before he suddenly remembered something, "what about you calling me Jae sometimes?"

Taeyong smiled a bit sadly, his eyes fleeting to Jaehyun's lips but he didn't kiss him, "because in the end, you're not my Jae, there's something about you that is different."

"Is... That bad?" Jaehyun grin awkwardly.

"No," he chuckled and leaning in with his eyes gazing suggestively to the pink lips, "I love you because it's _you_."

And Jaehyun may took advantage of his lover role too much since he keep kissing Taeyong although they're basically back again to being strangers. But he thinks, Taeyong is kissing him willingly like that so it should be fine. After all, this feels like home.

Jaehyun might not remember things and the gaps in his memories is too big, but he never felt out of place with Taeyong, it feels natural and he knows, he would never regret this and this is worth fighting for. Maybe there will be a day when he thought of his amnesia as a blessing. What matters now, they found each other again.

 

Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All that's left is an epilogue! ^^


	4. Chapter 4

"Seriously Jae? In our balcony? When we're looking like a pair of sick kids and having instant ramyun for dinner?" Taeyong said exasperatedly, but Jaehyun knows better seeing the glint in the dark brown orbs.

"Pretty domestic, isn't it?" he smirked.

"Far too domestic. I know you're not the most romantic guy in the world, but this is something else."

"Stop mocking me, you love it anyway," Jaehyun pushed Taeyong's forehead with his finger, eliciting a high pitched laughter.

"Well, the least you can do is put that ring on my finger and I'll do the same to you," he grinned, wiggling his fingers in front of Jaehyun in excitement. And Jaehyun thinks, he lives to see those smile and the happiness which radiating from Taeyong, he swore he will engrave this scene in his memory forever.

The ring fit perfectly on Taeyong's finger, the cold metal feels warm now in their hands, on the finger which it shall rest for a long time. Jaehyun smiles a bit at the memory of him buying the rings, when he knew Taeyong's size while he's totally clueless of his own size. He wonders if he know Taeyong more than he know himself. Doesn't matter, what matters is now, the moment when Taeyong sliding in the ring on his thick finger, accepting him, understanding him. And that finally they truly belong to each other.

Their lips found each other with no hesitation, like breathing they gravitate towards each other and they drink the pour of their hearts, catching the soft giggles and tasting the glee of their euphoria. "So, when will it be, sweet hubby?" Taeyong's whispered to Jaehyun's lips, softly biting the taller man's lip before letting go so he can answer the question.

"We can do the reception here, with friends and your family. Then we can get married at another country, where do you want it to be? Wait, we should get married first." he said before kissing the thin lips again, licking his way in, savoring the taste that is Taeyong which he came to love long time ago to this day. But he noticed the way the kiss is slowing down and something seems to distract Taeyong.

"What about your parents...? We never tell them anything."

Jaehyun halted, opening his eyes to see the shadow in Taeyong's eyes, the slight fear painted on his beautiful face. Jaehyun sighed a bit before he's smiling to assure his lover, pecking his lips for a bit, "I'm planning to tell them tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" there's a frown on his face, anxious and Jaehyun caress it with his thumb to will it away.

"I'm sure, I'll be fine, they're still my parents after all. Beside, we've told your parents long time ago, I should have done this sooner before."

"But my parents already knew about me before I met you... This is different, they don't even know you're gay."

"It's okay, I'll be fine, we'll be fine. I have you with me after all."

 

**

 

He's blinking slowly, squinting his eyes when the sunlight trespassing through the curtain and fell right on his face. A groan effectively left his lips, he turns around to hide his face and only when he's shifting on the bed did he realized there's another body pressed to his side. It took him a moment before a smile gracing his lips, turning his whole body so he's spooning the shorter and lean body into him.

He sighed softly, relishing at the comfortable warmth, the pleasant stirs in his chest and the swarms of butterflies in his stomach. Taking in the scent he vaguely remembers and now he will have it so close to him, always there whenever he wants to breathe in. Then he did what he always did every morning when he wakes up first, caressing the slim yet muscled tanned arm until his fingers met with another set of soft fingers and intertwine it together. Savoring the emotions which coming from within before he brings it close to his face, kissing the finger where their ring rest, then tucking their hands under Taeyong's chin, hugging the man tighter and closer.

He really didn't take himself as a hugger or cuddly person, but there he is, still sleepy as heck yet the urge to cuddle the other man is unrelenting. And oh, how he loves to cuddle Taeyong or being cuddled with, he's surprised himself, shocked even. But so what, he loves it, so he indulge it. And these moments of cuddling in the morning when Taeyong still fast asleep is his favorite.

"Good morning," Taeyong's hoarse voice greeted, eyes still tightly shut but he stirs a little in Jaehyun's arms, placing a soft kiss on their hands under his chin.

"Morning, how's your sleep?" Jaehyun kissed his temple.

"Nice, I didn't even dream... Felt like I just woke up from death," he smiles when Jaehyun chuckling on his nape, "you?"

"I think I dreamt of something, but I can't remember what. I don't think it's a bad dream though, it feels kinda nice."

"That's good... Now shut up and stop moving, I want to go back to sleep," he mumbled, curling his body more to hide his face under the blanket.

"Taeyong, we have to go to work," Jaehyun called sweetly, using the hand under Taeyong's chin to lift the man's head, causing him to frown and groan. "Wake up, hey," he kissed his cheek and temple again, coaxing him to wake up.

"My alarm still haven't ring... Let me sleep for a bit more..."

"It's only two or a minute more, Taeyong."

"Still..."

Jaehyun sighed deeply yet as always, he relented.

 

\--

 

"I'll just make an omelette... With a toast, you okay with that?"

Jaehyun frowning a bit, "there isn't any rice? Breakfast is the most important meal, I need rice. At least I can take it with kimchi if there's no side dishes."

"I forgot to make it last night and we got no time to make it now, so for today have a bread for breakfast, princess," Taeyong laughed when he heard Jaehyun grumbling.

"It's your fault for lazing around."

"Whatever, set up the table will ya? Oh, use the big plate so there's less dishes to do later."

He grumble again, "you're too much, it's totally okay to cleaning it up later after we get home but your clean freak just have to leave the house sparkling clean every morning. Where did you put the big plates anyway?"

Taeyong forgot that Jaehyun didn't remember, so when he turns around about to tell him where the plates are, he's surprised seeing Jaehyun casually finding where it was.

"Oh, it's really here," Jaehyun is surprised himself, pulling out the big plate and preparing the table.

"How did you know?" Taeyong asked in awe.

"I don't know, I just thought maybe it's there and it really is," he shrugged cluelessly, oblivious about the warmth of realization which spreading in Taeyong's chest. That Jaehyun might forget it in his head, but his body and heart remembers their routines.

"Right," Taeyong turned back to his omelette on the frying pan, swallowing down the flutters in his heart as his smile widening.

"Taeyong, I might be home late tonight, I'll have dinner at my parents, you gonna be okay alone for a while?"

"I'm okay, I'll have dinner outside then. Or do you want me to come along?" he asked carefully, it's still a sensitive topic.

"No, I don't think it's the good time for it, maybe later."

Taeyong noticed the hurt in Jaehyun's voice, "you can tell me, I'm fine, we're in this together, okay?"

"I know, don't worry. At least they stop talking me down, that's a pretty good thing," Jaehyun walked back to the kitchen, placing both his hands on Taeyong's shoulder and kissed his nape, "I'm happy."

"Good, think about me often, I'm your mood booster."

"That you do," and they both laughed together, filling their small home with warmth and sense of belonging.

No matter what comes their way, they have each other, and nothing more reassuring than that.

They're finally home.

 

**

 

"Hey, mind if I sit here?"

He looked up from his note book, seeing a man with pretty face smiling at him and pointing at the space beside him on the bench. He recognized the guy, he's that person who people always talked about of how handsome he is and that his motherly personality doesn't quite fit his seemingly cold appearance. 

"Sure."

"I've seen you a lot here, always sitting alone and sometimes dazing around. I'm curious what is it that you're thinking about," the guy chat up, landing his butt beside him almost too forceful it shakes the poor old wooden bench.

He frowns, uneasy and a bit put off at the way the guy is pressing on his personal space. "Nothing," he answered a bit curtly, giving a sign that he's not welcoming a talk.

"You can't be thinking of nothing, that's nonsense. Are you writing a love song or something?"

"I don't see why it's your business, Mr. Lee Taeyong."

The guy's eyes went wide so was the smile on his face, "you know me? Wow, I'm flattered."

"You're quite well known here, the one who have a very handsome face and weird way of laughing."

"Ah, I don't know if it's a compliment or an insult when you said it like that. Are you always this stiff with people? A good laugh is good for your life," the guy slide closer when Jaehyun inched away.

"I'm usually kind and polite, but I don't like people suddenly pressing into my personal space, why don't you leave me alone?"

"Come on, I'm trying to hit on you, humour me," he grinned and Jaehyun thought he was just joking around.

"Fine," he sighed, relenting at the excitement and energy which radiating strongly from the guy.

"Let me tell you a good joke, I'm sure I can make you twist that rigid lips upwards. But first, let me know your name."

He can already feel the tingle at the corner of his lips, but he held it in, "prove your words first, then I'll tell you my name."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end~~


End file.
